What Submission is Not

 If you're a Christian woman, you've heard the scripture, "wives submit to your husbands". Soon after Justin and I got engaged, I began the process of learning what a good wife, a righteous wife, a submissive wife looked like; how she acted, how she reacted, and how she lived. I made it my goal to be a submissive wife, as an act of sacrifice to the Lord. And that is what I thought submission looked like, sacrifice.

I was under the impression that submission meant allowing my husband to make all the decisions, handle the finances, and pursue all his dreams while I sat back and watched, cheering him on. I was partially correct, but very off-base. I held back from doing things that I really enjoyed. I didn't pursue advancement in my nursing career, because after all, it's the wife's job to maintain the home. I didn't make many friends, because, I had him. He was the only friend I needed. My emotions were tied to his behaviors and decisions. After a few years of this, I was miserable. I had become like another child to him, someone to take care of. If I wasn't happy, it was his fault. If the bills weren't paid, it was his fault. If my life was missing anything, it was his fault, because I had placed him in control of it. If he was away from the home, I was sad and worried. In my attempt to be a submissive wife, I made myself miserable and gave him the blame. Instead of having a cheerful loving wife to come home to, he had a drained, emotional, clingy wife to take care of when he got home. If this sounds at all like your marriage, be encouraged! There is a better way to live!

Today, I can say with confidence that my happiness does not depend on what my husband does or does not do. He has also been changing for the better, in his own pursuit of becoming the man God called him to be, but my security doesn't hang in the balance of his decisions and presence. I love him and want him around, but I don't NEED him with me for me to be happy.

What changed? I realized submission in marriage does not mean that my only purpose in life is to be a wife. I have many purposes. I have gifts, skills, talents and abilities that are unique to me. I am the only ME God ever made, and I have a calling to fulfill. I began to write. I discovered that I love writing. I started a blog :) I made friends, and actually had coffee dates with them! I went to the spa, I scheduled time for myself. I expressed my dreams, desires and needs to him. I spent time with God, allowing him to speak into my life, to reveal the woman he had created me to be. And when His love was so full in me, I couldn't help but to pour it out on others. I became someone other women could turn to in times of need. I found purpose in life.

Nowadays, Justin doesn't have to take care of me. If something is missing in my life, I talk to God about it. Where there once was a lonely, emotional, wimpy woman, there is now a strong, friendly, fun-loving, purpose-filled woman. I love my life, I love my friends, I love my husband, and I'm sure I've made it a little easier for him to love me. I've become a joy to be around, not an anchor. His love, not his ball-and-chain. When we talk, we share stories about what God is doing in each of our lives, individually and as a couple. I run alongside him, not behind him.

I still have weak moments, as anyone does. And he has no problem being there for me. I also am strong enough to be there for him when he needs someone to encourage him. I still have things I would like to change about him and our marriage, and we will continue to improve it every year, but there is a joy and stability in my life that has made all the difference. I am still a submissive wife, supporting him in all his endeavors, but I also pursue my own. I am still dependent, but now I depend on God. God is my rock, Justin is my husband, my love, my friend.

Still having a hard time agreeing with me? Read up on the Proverbs 31 example of a noble wife.

Submission is not sacrificing all you've ever wanted. It is not being weak and keeping your mouth shut. It is not putting up with mistreatment, abuse, or neglect. It is simply being in support of your husbands mission; which does not revoke your right to have a mission as well!

The second part of the scripture speaks to the husbands; and that is for another blog post, another day :)

Have an awesome week, and as usual, send your stories, questions and comments to mindy@impactcity.tv or justin@impactcity.tv

The Question That Kills Marriages

I bet most couples, if they were really honest, would admit to pondering this question at some point in their relationship: Are we meant to be? Was he/she the ONE, or did I make a mistake?

Scripture tells us that we are not to be double-minded. Asking this question after pledging your faithfulness to your spouse allows for thoughts of doubt, and opportunities for confusion; thus leading many people and their marriages down a dangerous path. 

If you have wondered this recently about your marriage, let me reassure you. The marriage that lasts and lasts, that thrives for years without losing “that loving feeling” is not the one that’s simply "meant to be". They aren’t the lucky ones. It is the marriage consisting of two people that are determined to never stop trying. I’ve heard it said “the grass isn’t greener on the other side; it’s greener where you water it”. As cheesy and overused as that statement may be, it is the truth.

Unfortunately too many people buy into the lie that they weren’t “meant to be” and give up on the one they vowed to stay with for better or for worse.  I have to wonder how many marriages could have been saved if husband and wife would go back to doing the things they did to win each other over to begin with.

In the beginning, she dressed up to catch his eye, and he took her out on spontaneous dates. He would do little things to prove he had been thinking about her all day, and she would call just to say hello. There is no reason these habits have to stop once you say “I do”. But in most marriages they do, as the busyness of life takes its toll, children come into play, and the fireworks fade away. Now those little black dresses are sitting in the back of the closet, she calls to remind him he needs to pick up milk, and he spends his evenings watching the latest sitcom on tv.

Of course if you stop doing the things that won your spouse over, you’re going to notice a decrease in romance, intimacy, and overall positive feelings about each other and the relationship. Once romance starts to fade, you think you’ve stopped loving your spouse, and other options start to appear more attractive. Eventually one of the two will say they aren’t in love anymore, and that’s partially true, because love is not a feeling, it’s an action. Being in love is not out of your control. 

You can choose to be in love with your spouse again.

We need to be LOVING our spouse every day, in a way that communicates love to them. (If you haven’t read “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, buy a copy today. You won’t regret it. )

Bottom line: Before you entertain the thought “we aren’t meant to be”, take a shot at doing the things that created the sparks to begin with, and keep on trying even when it doesn’t appear to be changing anything. It probably took years of atrophy for your marriage to get to this point, it will take some good hard work to get it back to red-hot monogamy again. But it will be worth it.

Then, implement some new habits into your relationship that you may have never tried. Start something new together. Have a daily walk, activity, or talk time for just you two. No excuses. If you travel a lot, facetime each other. If you have kids, tell them mommy and daddy need alone time. Justin and I have four kids that want to be attached to us at all times, but they know mommy and daddy need talk time to keep the marriage strong, and keep us our best selves. So for about twenty minutes a day, our eyes are on each other.

The marriage you hoped for is a few good decisions away. It may not come natural, and it may get frustrating at times, but don’t give up. If you are on your second or third marriage, determine that this one will last forever.  

The success and happiness of your marriage is not up to "fate", it's up to you. Decide today to do what it takes to make it the exciting, passionate experience God created it to be!

*That being said, if you are in an abusive situation, this advice does not apply. 

For more on Making Marriage Fun, or how to subscribe to weekly marriage tips, contact us at info@impactcity.tv 

Princess Training: The How-To Reference Guide for Guys with High-Maintenance Wives

She takes time.
Do you feel like your wife demands all of your waking moments? Well fellas, that's not going to change.  Next to God, she is your top priority, and your top priorities will require your time. If you're not giving her the T.L.C. she desires, she will go hungry, like a plant without water. Make sure you are scheduling in plenty of talk time, date nights, and getaways. Mindy and I shoot for at least 20 minutes a day of just "talk time" between her and I, one date night each week, and one getaway every 3 months. This may seem like a lot, especially if you are parents with young kids. However, if you want to keep that beautiful flower healthy, you need to make sure you are giving her the water and nutrients she needs.

She is emotional.
You married a woman. She was created differently than you, especially in the realm of emotions. Be appreciative of this, because when you have kids she is going to be the one responsible for ensuring they are emotionally stable by showing empathy when in your moments of being callous and aloof.

She expects a prince charming.
Many guys use the excuse, "I'm not the romantic type." Truth is, you had to have done some romantic and thoughtful things while you dated that attracted her to you. Otherwise, you'd still be single, right? Are you still putting forth the same effort as before? If not, she has been a victim of false advertisement. She thought the person she married would be the same person she was dating, so man up and write that chick a love letter, open the door, take her on a spontaneous date. Then maybe you will start peeling back the walls that a romance-less marriage puts up. Every woman needs to feel loved and to be treated like a princess. Reality is that every woman desires it and gravitates towards it. If you're not meeting the requirements, some other guy out there just might try to replace you.

She wants stuff.
So your wife is materialistic? Join the club. Women were created by God to enjoy beautiful things. When they see something sparkly, it immediately draws their attention. That's why all the advertisements for women products are covered with pink and purple sparkles. Just check out the deoderant aisle, you'll see what I mean. Women feel beautiful when they have beautiful things. Make a routine of buying her something pretty about once a month, even if its just one simple rose. She will light up with smiles.

So your wife is high maintenance; that's okay. Be happy that she hasn't let go of the hope that you are still her prince charming. Don't let another day go by without her feeling like your princess.

Bringing Out the Hero in Him

   I was jamming to one of my favorite old country songs, “Stand By Your Man”, singing my heart out in the car. Then came the verse “after all, he’s just a man” and I thought, I would never say that about my husband. JUST a man? This is the problem many women have when talking about their husbands. They share stories and make comments that make their husband sound more like a child or an unruly dog than the man that stole their heart.

   Truth is, the way we talk about our spouse, whether they are present or not, makes a big difference on how they act, and how they see themselves in our presence. If you talk to your husband like he is a child, he will act like a child. If you talk about him like he is a nuisance when you’re with your girlfriends, he may not hear it, but he will feel your lack of respect.

       Many husbands these days are struggling with passivity, and it is not because that’s the way they want to be. Maybe he has tried to be your hero, and you put him down. Maybe he tried to be romantic, and you weren’t in the mood. Maybe he tried to make you smile, and you rolled your eyes. Maybe he tried to wash the dishes, and he didn’t do it right. A man will only put out that kind of effort for so long without finding himself frustrated and unmotivated.

      Many marriages get to the brink of divorce because of a lack of respect. The man undervaluing their wife, or the woman trying to emasculate their husband. You didn’t marry a woman, and you don’t want him to act like one, so stop trying to make your husband be like you. He may not have the multitasking abilities you do, but there are skills he brings to the table that you cannot.

       Think back to the beginning when you loved all the things that made him different from you. You laughed at his jokes, rejoiced in his victories, and lost yourself in his eyes. Don’t let the pressures of life take that from you two. Don’t let the business of your day keep you from stopping to stare into each others’ eyes for more than a moment. When he makes an attempt, whether it is the way you would do it or not, appreciate it and let him know you do. Make an effort to tell him what you respect and admire about him more often. And as always, pray for him daily. Then watch, as the man of your dreams rises to the occasion, trying harder every day to make you happy.

   Sadly, many men are finding the respect they long for outside of their marriage; praise from the boss, compliments from the secretary, at-a-boys from the guys. I am not saying this is by any means reason for them to act immorally, I am saying one way we can strive to affair-proof our marriage is to resist the temptation to disrespect our spouses; whether they are present or not. 

     There are some circumstances in which a woman must choose to value and protect herself by leaving an abusive, cheating or violent man. If you find yourself in an abusive situation, your next step is to talk with a pastor or counselor and look into aborting mission.

    I am still a wife in progress, but I have seen the difference between the seasons when I was more respectful, and when I allowed my stresses and frustrations to drain the respect for my husband right out of me. There is so much to be said on this topic, more than a simple blog, but if we can start with respect, merited or not, we will start to see our hero, our noble prince, find his strength and energy to defeat dragons for us once again.

   Now I understand after all this, you're thinking about all the ways he could bring out the best, or better princess in you. Stay tuned....I just may have Justin write up a few words for the men out there ;)

To-Do: Enjoy my life!

      Anyone out there have trouble balancing pleasure and productivity? It is a challenge that many people don’t realize they are failing in. Those of you like me are so focused on being productive, that you have to remind yourself to stop and smell the roses. Our super fast-paced life tells us we need to accomplish everything TODAY or the productivity police will come arrest us. If there is anything left on our to-do list at the end of the day, we’ve failed. The trouble is, for most of us, there will always be more to do than we can accomplish in one day. The minute we settle in for relaxation, we see the mess on the floor, we remember that the light bulbs in the bathroom need changed, or that we promised to call Aunt Suzie.

     Let me allow you a glimpse into Mindyland for a moment, I think you will relate to the busyness. I have four small children, work as a nurse, maintain the house, homeschool my son, and run a ministry. There is ALWAYS something to be done, and an area I am behind in. After attempting the impossible for a few years, I realized that striving for productivity can steal your joy, and make you a very difficult person to live with! I was so focused on my to-do list that I didn’t have time for Justin to stop and hug me on his way in from work. There was hamburger that needed stirred. I didn’t have time to sit and chat after dinner, there were dirty dishes all over the kitchen. Are you getting the picture? If this is you, I plead you to slow down long enough to read the rest of this post! I found myself so miserable, waiting for someone to come take something off my plate so that I could be happy. Here’s the harsh truth, regardless of your situation: if you are waiting for someone to do something in order for you to be happy, you’re going to be waiting your entire life. There will always be something that steals your joy if you don’t take control of it yourself. 

    What was I waiting for? I was waiting for Justin to read my mind, know what I need help with, and then whisk me away on a romantic date. Trouble is, he is not a mind reader! Hence the need for communication. After a few long conversations, and a few heated arguments, we came to the conclusion that I needed to slow down bit, be willing to put down my to-do list, and schedule some enjoyment in my life! So what did I do?

   

   Well today, when I notice myself getting down, frustrated easily, and in a “funk” as I call it, I schedule some pleasure into my life. I’ll plan a date night with Justin, and being the creative one in the marriage, I even plan the activities that will make fun memories, and cultivate the romance! If the funds are low, you can plan a fun night at home once the kids go to bed. I schedule coffee time with friends on a regular basis to get my “girl time” and do that healthy venting that us ladies need to do. And I plan time to be alone, whether it is early morning in my kitchen, an afternoon nap, or an evening at the spa, I make sure I get the necessary quiet time. 

   Mindy, you say, my husband is the productive one. He never takes me on dates, and can’t take his mind off his work. My response is, don’t give him a choice! That man is your husband and he belongs to you. You are just as responsible for the happiness of the marriage as he is. Ask him which night works best for his schedule, then plan a night of fun, memory making, and hitting the sheets, like every good marriage needs! I promise he won’t regret getting a little behind on work :)

  I firmly believe that God wants you to have breaks. He wants you to enjoy your life. The God who created the heavens and earth rested on the seventh day. Jesus spent time alone, praying and resting from the crowds that followed him. What makes you think you can get through life without ample rest? If you’re still hesitant, do it for a week, and trust God to help you with all those things you feel behind on. When we live our lives based on his ways, and his example, it blesses God and allows him to make up for our lack. If you are stubborn enough to keep trekking on in your own strength and agenda, don’t expect God to interrupt you, but do expect that at some point you will reach a breaking point, and he will be there to get you back on track. 

  Have a blessed, joyful week!

  

   

Leftovers

   What if tonight when I make dinner, instead of setting the table for our family and feeding them from it, I first brought it across the street to my neighbors? Then I call some coworkers and see if they want some, they take their fill, and then I invite a new friend over to have some. All the while my husband and children are patiently waiting, asking when it is their turn. When everyone else takes what they want, I give my family the leftovers, which is barely enough to satisfy their hunger. It sounds terrible doesn’t it? Unfortunately we do this all the time; not with food, but with our time, energy and attitude.

   Most of us work a job, and give the best part of our day to making income to provide for our family’s needs. Regardless of how we feel about going to work, we muster up the energy to say “How are you?” to everyone we see walking in. We smile, listen when they talk, and provide positive feedback to make sure they know we enjoy being around them. When our friends call, we laugh with them, joke with them and share memories we cherish. The work itself and mental energy it takes to give our best can be so draining that we look forward to getting home and letting our guard down. Even worse, many times we’ve picked up some baggage at work that we didn’t bring up there, but we need to let it out, so we dump it on our spouse. It sounds something like “You won’t believe the day I’ve had. You remember Joey blabbermouth I told you about? Well listen to what he said today……….” It’s called diarrhea of the mouth, and it seems to climax around those we love. Then if there is any anger we’ve kept in all day and suppressed, we find a very good reason to take it out on our disobedient children, careless husband, or frivolously spending wife. Then we wonder why our closest relationships are the hardest to deal with. We are giving them the “leftovers”.

   How can we reverse this? Quit your job. Haha, that would be nice but unfortunately, your wife does not enjoy living on the streets either. So what we need to do is ensure that our spouse is not just getting us at our worst, but also seeing us at our best! That is intentionality! You have to be intentional to say positive things more often than you say negative around them. Use those same people skills you use at work to make your spouse feel special. Ask them how they are doing, and then actually LISTEN to the answer. Look them in the eye, put the phone down, hold their hand. When they come to you asking for a favor, treat them as you would a coworker. Don’t interrupt, give that look (ladies), or comeback with an ultimatum.

  Other ways to ensure that we are giving our spouse the best of us, is to have real dates. I don’t mean you get a sitter and go grocery shopping together. I mean you plan a romantic evening, dress nice for each other, and refuse to argue the whole night. Justin and I pray as soon as we get in the car for our dates, that we make it through the night without arguing. Then if we start to feel the tension rising, we stop and pray again. I cannot emphasize the importance of prayer in a marriage. If you aren’t yet comfortable praying with your spouse, pray individually, or take a moment to determine that your next words and actions will be loving.

   Date night does not have to be expensive, but it must be planned. I like to do a web search for fun date night ideas, which usually include some sort of intentional discussion between us during the date. Some nights we would go to a coffee shop and interview each other some questions we had come up with in advance. One night we played Pictionary at a local coffee shop. One night we had a silly photo shoot at the mall, daring each other to pose with manikins, plants, and workers. The goal is to have fun together, and make a memory.

   Give your spouse the best of you today, and plan for a time this week for a romantic date. If you need to dump, do it in prayer to God, He doesn’t get overwhelmed and He already knows your stresses. Have a great week and don’t forget I love to hear your feedback and stories!

Your Many Hats

   
     Do you and your spouse have a certain disagreement that continues to resurface, regardless of how many times you discuss it? You hash out your differences, seem to make some progress, then find yourselves in the same argument several days or weeks later. Justin and I recently discovered a root cause for one of these tension triggers in our home.

   For a while it seemed as if every time Justin came home from work, and I had been with the kids all day, I treated him with disrespect. He continually asked me to speak kinder, but for some reason I was having trouble. One day I sat on the deck analyzing my stubbornness. It was somewhat of a revelation day for me. I realized that all day I wore the "mom" hat, the "referee" hat and the "housekeeper" hat. I was large and in charge from morning until about six o' clock when the man of the house arrived. The only problem was, I didn't know how to remove these hats around my husband. So I treated him like one of the kids. "Put your shoes where they belong." "Don't eat before dinner is ready." "Clean up your mess." I can assure you that a grown male can only handle so much of that. I had left my "loving wife" hat somewhere in the pile of last week's laundry and didn't have time to go find it. There was work to be done, children to bath, laundry to fold and a house to clean; no time for lovey dovey husband and wife stuff.

   We all wear many hats. What hats have you been wearing around your spouse lately? The solution to keeping your marriage just that, a marriage, is to ensure we keep that "loving wife" or "loving husband" hat close by and make time to change into it before greeting each other. How can we do this? It's easier than you might think. See, the reason Justin was walking in the house ready to love his wife was because he had created the discipline of changing hats halfway through his commute home. He has a job that could easily keep him thinking hours after he clocks out, but he made the decision a while back to spend the first half of his drive home thinking about work, and the last half thinking about family, preparing to wear his "family guy" hat once he walked through the door. As soon as he caught a glimpse of those four little ones running down the hallway, he was daddy; the project manager hat was somewhere on Broad Street, and it would stay there until the next morning.

    We can all discipline ourselves to do the same thing. What does that look like for the rest of us? For me that means getting some time alone to de-stress and pray before he walks through the door. It also means weekly date nights and quarterly getaways, just the two of us. I cannot stress enough how important it is for a married couple, especially with kids, to see each other on a regular basis as simply "lovers". To leave all the rest of our hats at home, and simply enjoy each others' company.

   Imagine how many divorces can be prevented if every married couple made a habit of wearing their "loving spouse" hat every day. The divorce rate is highest right now among couples married for 20+ years. The cause is believed to be "empty nesting". For so many years, all they have known to be is mom and dad, and now that the kids are grown and out of the house, they don't remember how to be husband and wife. It doesn't have to be this way. Make time for your spouse today, schedule a date night, and plan a weekend getaway, just the two of you. Don't feel guilty. Your kids need you to be the example of loving marriage.

   If this has been helpful, I would love to hear from you! Shoot me an email today and let me know how you and your spouse make time to wear your "loving spouse" hats.