The Question That Kills Marriages

I bet most couples, if they were really honest, would admit to pondering this question at some point in their relationship: Are we meant to be? Was he/she the ONE, or did I make a mistake?

Scripture tells us that we are not to be double-minded. Asking this question after pledging your faithfulness to your spouse allows for thoughts of doubt, and opportunities for confusion; thus leading many people and their marriages down a dangerous path. 

If you have wondered this recently about your marriage, let me reassure you. The marriage that lasts and lasts, that thrives for years without losing “that loving feeling” is not the one that’s simply "meant to be". They aren’t the lucky ones. It is the marriage consisting of two people that are determined to never stop trying. I’ve heard it said “the grass isn’t greener on the other side; it’s greener where you water it”. As cheesy and overused as that statement may be, it is the truth.

Unfortunately too many people buy into the lie that they weren’t “meant to be” and give up on the one they vowed to stay with for better or for worse.  I have to wonder how many marriages could have been saved if husband and wife would go back to doing the things they did to win each other over to begin with.

In the beginning, she dressed up to catch his eye, and he took her out on spontaneous dates. He would do little things to prove he had been thinking about her all day, and she would call just to say hello. There is no reason these habits have to stop once you say “I do”. But in most marriages they do, as the busyness of life takes its toll, children come into play, and the fireworks fade away. Now those little black dresses are sitting in the back of the closet, she calls to remind him he needs to pick up milk, and he spends his evenings watching the latest sitcom on tv.

Of course if you stop doing the things that won your spouse over, you’re going to notice a decrease in romance, intimacy, and overall positive feelings about each other and the relationship. Once romance starts to fade, you think you’ve stopped loving your spouse, and other options start to appear more attractive. Eventually one of the two will say they aren’t in love anymore, and that’s partially true, because love is not a feeling, it’s an action. Being in love is not out of your control. 

You can choose to be in love with your spouse again.

We need to be LOVING our spouse every day, in a way that communicates love to them. (If you haven’t read “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, buy a copy today. You won’t regret it. )

Bottom line: Before you entertain the thought “we aren’t meant to be”, take a shot at doing the things that created the sparks to begin with, and keep on trying even when it doesn’t appear to be changing anything. It probably took years of atrophy for your marriage to get to this point, it will take some good hard work to get it back to red-hot monogamy again. But it will be worth it.

Then, implement some new habits into your relationship that you may have never tried. Start something new together. Have a daily walk, activity, or talk time for just you two. No excuses. If you travel a lot, facetime each other. If you have kids, tell them mommy and daddy need alone time. Justin and I have four kids that want to be attached to us at all times, but they know mommy and daddy need talk time to keep the marriage strong, and keep us our best selves. So for about twenty minutes a day, our eyes are on each other.

The marriage you hoped for is a few good decisions away. It may not come natural, and it may get frustrating at times, but don’t give up. If you are on your second or third marriage, determine that this one will last forever.  

The success and happiness of your marriage is not up to "fate", it's up to you. Decide today to do what it takes to make it the exciting, passionate experience God created it to be!

*That being said, if you are in an abusive situation, this advice does not apply. 

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