Your Many Hats

   
     Do you and your spouse have a certain disagreement that continues to resurface, regardless of how many times you discuss it? You hash out your differences, seem to make some progress, then find yourselves in the same argument several days or weeks later. Justin and I recently discovered a root cause for one of these tension triggers in our home.

   For a while it seemed as if every time Justin came home from work, and I had been with the kids all day, I treated him with disrespect. He continually asked me to speak kinder, but for some reason I was having trouble. One day I sat on the deck analyzing my stubbornness. It was somewhat of a revelation day for me. I realized that all day I wore the "mom" hat, the "referee" hat and the "housekeeper" hat. I was large and in charge from morning until about six o' clock when the man of the house arrived. The only problem was, I didn't know how to remove these hats around my husband. So I treated him like one of the kids. "Put your shoes where they belong." "Don't eat before dinner is ready." "Clean up your mess." I can assure you that a grown male can only handle so much of that. I had left my "loving wife" hat somewhere in the pile of last week's laundry and didn't have time to go find it. There was work to be done, children to bath, laundry to fold and a house to clean; no time for lovey dovey husband and wife stuff.

   We all wear many hats. What hats have you been wearing around your spouse lately? The solution to keeping your marriage just that, a marriage, is to ensure we keep that "loving wife" or "loving husband" hat close by and make time to change into it before greeting each other. How can we do this? It's easier than you might think. See, the reason Justin was walking in the house ready to love his wife was because he had created the discipline of changing hats halfway through his commute home. He has a job that could easily keep him thinking hours after he clocks out, but he made the decision a while back to spend the first half of his drive home thinking about work, and the last half thinking about family, preparing to wear his "family guy" hat once he walked through the door. As soon as he caught a glimpse of those four little ones running down the hallway, he was daddy; the project manager hat was somewhere on Broad Street, and it would stay there until the next morning.

    We can all discipline ourselves to do the same thing. What does that look like for the rest of us? For me that means getting some time alone to de-stress and pray before he walks through the door. It also means weekly date nights and quarterly getaways, just the two of us. I cannot stress enough how important it is for a married couple, especially with kids, to see each other on a regular basis as simply "lovers". To leave all the rest of our hats at home, and simply enjoy each others' company.

   Imagine how many divorces can be prevented if every married couple made a habit of wearing their "loving spouse" hat every day. The divorce rate is highest right now among couples married for 20+ years. The cause is believed to be "empty nesting". For so many years, all they have known to be is mom and dad, and now that the kids are grown and out of the house, they don't remember how to be husband and wife. It doesn't have to be this way. Make time for your spouse today, schedule a date night, and plan a weekend getaway, just the two of you. Don't feel guilty. Your kids need you to be the example of loving marriage.

   If this has been helpful, I would love to hear from you! Shoot me an email today and let me know how you and your spouse make time to wear your "loving spouse" hats.