Bringing Out the Hero in Him

   I was jamming to one of my favorite old country songs, “Stand By Your Man”, singing my heart out in the car. Then came the verse “after all, he’s just a man” and I thought, I would never say that about my husband. JUST a man? This is the problem many women have when talking about their husbands. They share stories and make comments that make their husband sound more like a child or an unruly dog than the man that stole their heart.

   Truth is, the way we talk about our spouse, whether they are present or not, makes a big difference on how they act, and how they see themselves in our presence. If you talk to your husband like he is a child, he will act like a child. If you talk about him like he is a nuisance when you’re with your girlfriends, he may not hear it, but he will feel your lack of respect.

       Many husbands these days are struggling with passivity, and it is not because that’s the way they want to be. Maybe he has tried to be your hero, and you put him down. Maybe he tried to be romantic, and you weren’t in the mood. Maybe he tried to make you smile, and you rolled your eyes. Maybe he tried to wash the dishes, and he didn’t do it right. A man will only put out that kind of effort for so long without finding himself frustrated and unmotivated.

      Many marriages get to the brink of divorce because of a lack of respect. The man undervaluing their wife, or the woman trying to emasculate their husband. You didn’t marry a woman, and you don’t want him to act like one, so stop trying to make your husband be like you. He may not have the multitasking abilities you do, but there are skills he brings to the table that you cannot.

       Think back to the beginning when you loved all the things that made him different from you. You laughed at his jokes, rejoiced in his victories, and lost yourself in his eyes. Don’t let the pressures of life take that from you two. Don’t let the business of your day keep you from stopping to stare into each others’ eyes for more than a moment. When he makes an attempt, whether it is the way you would do it or not, appreciate it and let him know you do. Make an effort to tell him what you respect and admire about him more often. And as always, pray for him daily. Then watch, as the man of your dreams rises to the occasion, trying harder every day to make you happy.

   Sadly, many men are finding the respect they long for outside of their marriage; praise from the boss, compliments from the secretary, at-a-boys from the guys. I am not saying this is by any means reason for them to act immorally, I am saying one way we can strive to affair-proof our marriage is to resist the temptation to disrespect our spouses; whether they are present or not. 

     There are some circumstances in which a woman must choose to value and protect herself by leaving an abusive, cheating or violent man. If you find yourself in an abusive situation, your next step is to talk with a pastor or counselor and look into aborting mission.

    I am still a wife in progress, but I have seen the difference between the seasons when I was more respectful, and when I allowed my stresses and frustrations to drain the respect for my husband right out of me. There is so much to be said on this topic, more than a simple blog, but if we can start with respect, merited or not, we will start to see our hero, our noble prince, find his strength and energy to defeat dragons for us once again.

   Now I understand after all this, you're thinking about all the ways he could bring out the best, or better princess in you. Stay tuned....I just may have Justin write up a few words for the men out there ;)

To-Do: Enjoy my life!

      Anyone out there have trouble balancing pleasure and productivity? It is a challenge that many people don’t realize they are failing in. Those of you like me are so focused on being productive, that you have to remind yourself to stop and smell the roses. Our super fast-paced life tells us we need to accomplish everything TODAY or the productivity police will come arrest us. If there is anything left on our to-do list at the end of the day, we’ve failed. The trouble is, for most of us, there will always be more to do than we can accomplish in one day. The minute we settle in for relaxation, we see the mess on the floor, we remember that the light bulbs in the bathroom need changed, or that we promised to call Aunt Suzie.

     Let me allow you a glimpse into Mindyland for a moment, I think you will relate to the busyness. I have four small children, work as a nurse, maintain the house, homeschool my son, and run a ministry. There is ALWAYS something to be done, and an area I am behind in. After attempting the impossible for a few years, I realized that striving for productivity can steal your joy, and make you a very difficult person to live with! I was so focused on my to-do list that I didn’t have time for Justin to stop and hug me on his way in from work. There was hamburger that needed stirred. I didn’t have time to sit and chat after dinner, there were dirty dishes all over the kitchen. Are you getting the picture? If this is you, I plead you to slow down long enough to read the rest of this post! I found myself so miserable, waiting for someone to come take something off my plate so that I could be happy. Here’s the harsh truth, regardless of your situation: if you are waiting for someone to do something in order for you to be happy, you’re going to be waiting your entire life. There will always be something that steals your joy if you don’t take control of it yourself. 

    What was I waiting for? I was waiting for Justin to read my mind, know what I need help with, and then whisk me away on a romantic date. Trouble is, he is not a mind reader! Hence the need for communication. After a few long conversations, and a few heated arguments, we came to the conclusion that I needed to slow down bit, be willing to put down my to-do list, and schedule some enjoyment in my life! So what did I do?

   

   Well today, when I notice myself getting down, frustrated easily, and in a “funk” as I call it, I schedule some pleasure into my life. I’ll plan a date night with Justin, and being the creative one in the marriage, I even plan the activities that will make fun memories, and cultivate the romance! If the funds are low, you can plan a fun night at home once the kids go to bed. I schedule coffee time with friends on a regular basis to get my “girl time” and do that healthy venting that us ladies need to do. And I plan time to be alone, whether it is early morning in my kitchen, an afternoon nap, or an evening at the spa, I make sure I get the necessary quiet time. 

   Mindy, you say, my husband is the productive one. He never takes me on dates, and can’t take his mind off his work. My response is, don’t give him a choice! That man is your husband and he belongs to you. You are just as responsible for the happiness of the marriage as he is. Ask him which night works best for his schedule, then plan a night of fun, memory making, and hitting the sheets, like every good marriage needs! I promise he won’t regret getting a little behind on work :)

  I firmly believe that God wants you to have breaks. He wants you to enjoy your life. The God who created the heavens and earth rested on the seventh day. Jesus spent time alone, praying and resting from the crowds that followed him. What makes you think you can get through life without ample rest? If you’re still hesitant, do it for a week, and trust God to help you with all those things you feel behind on. When we live our lives based on his ways, and his example, it blesses God and allows him to make up for our lack. If you are stubborn enough to keep trekking on in your own strength and agenda, don’t expect God to interrupt you, but do expect that at some point you will reach a breaking point, and he will be there to get you back on track. 

  Have a blessed, joyful week!

  

   

Leftovers

   What if tonight when I make dinner, instead of setting the table for our family and feeding them from it, I first brought it across the street to my neighbors? Then I call some coworkers and see if they want some, they take their fill, and then I invite a new friend over to have some. All the while my husband and children are patiently waiting, asking when it is their turn. When everyone else takes what they want, I give my family the leftovers, which is barely enough to satisfy their hunger. It sounds terrible doesn’t it? Unfortunately we do this all the time; not with food, but with our time, energy and attitude.

   Most of us work a job, and give the best part of our day to making income to provide for our family’s needs. Regardless of how we feel about going to work, we muster up the energy to say “How are you?” to everyone we see walking in. We smile, listen when they talk, and provide positive feedback to make sure they know we enjoy being around them. When our friends call, we laugh with them, joke with them and share memories we cherish. The work itself and mental energy it takes to give our best can be so draining that we look forward to getting home and letting our guard down. Even worse, many times we’ve picked up some baggage at work that we didn’t bring up there, but we need to let it out, so we dump it on our spouse. It sounds something like “You won’t believe the day I’ve had. You remember Joey blabbermouth I told you about? Well listen to what he said today……….” It’s called diarrhea of the mouth, and it seems to climax around those we love. Then if there is any anger we’ve kept in all day and suppressed, we find a very good reason to take it out on our disobedient children, careless husband, or frivolously spending wife. Then we wonder why our closest relationships are the hardest to deal with. We are giving them the “leftovers”.

   How can we reverse this? Quit your job. Haha, that would be nice but unfortunately, your wife does not enjoy living on the streets either. So what we need to do is ensure that our spouse is not just getting us at our worst, but also seeing us at our best! That is intentionality! You have to be intentional to say positive things more often than you say negative around them. Use those same people skills you use at work to make your spouse feel special. Ask them how they are doing, and then actually LISTEN to the answer. Look them in the eye, put the phone down, hold their hand. When they come to you asking for a favor, treat them as you would a coworker. Don’t interrupt, give that look (ladies), or comeback with an ultimatum.

  Other ways to ensure that we are giving our spouse the best of us, is to have real dates. I don’t mean you get a sitter and go grocery shopping together. I mean you plan a romantic evening, dress nice for each other, and refuse to argue the whole night. Justin and I pray as soon as we get in the car for our dates, that we make it through the night without arguing. Then if we start to feel the tension rising, we stop and pray again. I cannot emphasize the importance of prayer in a marriage. If you aren’t yet comfortable praying with your spouse, pray individually, or take a moment to determine that your next words and actions will be loving.

   Date night does not have to be expensive, but it must be planned. I like to do a web search for fun date night ideas, which usually include some sort of intentional discussion between us during the date. Some nights we would go to a coffee shop and interview each other some questions we had come up with in advance. One night we played Pictionary at a local coffee shop. One night we had a silly photo shoot at the mall, daring each other to pose with manikins, plants, and workers. The goal is to have fun together, and make a memory.

   Give your spouse the best of you today, and plan for a time this week for a romantic date. If you need to dump, do it in prayer to God, He doesn’t get overwhelmed and He already knows your stresses. Have a great week and don’t forget I love to hear your feedback and stories!

Your Many Hats

   
     Do you and your spouse have a certain disagreement that continues to resurface, regardless of how many times you discuss it? You hash out your differences, seem to make some progress, then find yourselves in the same argument several days or weeks later. Justin and I recently discovered a root cause for one of these tension triggers in our home.

   For a while it seemed as if every time Justin came home from work, and I had been with the kids all day, I treated him with disrespect. He continually asked me to speak kinder, but for some reason I was having trouble. One day I sat on the deck analyzing my stubbornness. It was somewhat of a revelation day for me. I realized that all day I wore the "mom" hat, the "referee" hat and the "housekeeper" hat. I was large and in charge from morning until about six o' clock when the man of the house arrived. The only problem was, I didn't know how to remove these hats around my husband. So I treated him like one of the kids. "Put your shoes where they belong." "Don't eat before dinner is ready." "Clean up your mess." I can assure you that a grown male can only handle so much of that. I had left my "loving wife" hat somewhere in the pile of last week's laundry and didn't have time to go find it. There was work to be done, children to bath, laundry to fold and a house to clean; no time for lovey dovey husband and wife stuff.

   We all wear many hats. What hats have you been wearing around your spouse lately? The solution to keeping your marriage just that, a marriage, is to ensure we keep that "loving wife" or "loving husband" hat close by and make time to change into it before greeting each other. How can we do this? It's easier than you might think. See, the reason Justin was walking in the house ready to love his wife was because he had created the discipline of changing hats halfway through his commute home. He has a job that could easily keep him thinking hours after he clocks out, but he made the decision a while back to spend the first half of his drive home thinking about work, and the last half thinking about family, preparing to wear his "family guy" hat once he walked through the door. As soon as he caught a glimpse of those four little ones running down the hallway, he was daddy; the project manager hat was somewhere on Broad Street, and it would stay there until the next morning.

    We can all discipline ourselves to do the same thing. What does that look like for the rest of us? For me that means getting some time alone to de-stress and pray before he walks through the door. It also means weekly date nights and quarterly getaways, just the two of us. I cannot stress enough how important it is for a married couple, especially with kids, to see each other on a regular basis as simply "lovers". To leave all the rest of our hats at home, and simply enjoy each others' company.

   Imagine how many divorces can be prevented if every married couple made a habit of wearing their "loving spouse" hat every day. The divorce rate is highest right now among couples married for 20+ years. The cause is believed to be "empty nesting". For so many years, all they have known to be is mom and dad, and now that the kids are grown and out of the house, they don't remember how to be husband and wife. It doesn't have to be this way. Make time for your spouse today, schedule a date night, and plan a weekend getaway, just the two of you. Don't feel guilty. Your kids need you to be the example of loving marriage.

   If this has been helpful, I would love to hear from you! Shoot me an email today and let me know how you and your spouse make time to wear your "loving spouse" hats.

Gone Fishin'

    Marriage is about sacrifice. So many of us say our vows without really understanding the weight of those words. In sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer. Then years pass, and your beautiful bride asks if you will request off work to take her to her favorite concert. Or maybe your stunning groom asks if he can spend your savings on that new grill. I'm sure the first thing you think about in that moment is your wedding vow, right? Most likely your first thought is, "what have you done for me lately?".

   Sacrifice. It's a big word, and nobody likes being told they must do it. The truth is, it is a sure-fire way to prove to your spouse that you love them. When we are willing to set aside our selfish desires to put a smile on their face, they are reassured that they are important to us. That is vital to a relationship.

   Justin recently took me on a fishing expedition at Lake Erie. Let me just say that this is the last thing he would choose to spend his day and money on. He probably had a dozen other activities he could think of that would be more fun to him, and more worth the money, in HIS eyes. But he wasn't out to please himself. I love to fish, and he was out to prove his love to me. We spent the entire day out on the windy waters of Lake Erie, and did not catch a single fish. He didn't complain once. He had every opportunity to say "I knew this would be a waste" or "I can't believe I spent all that money, and got a sitter, just to come out here and freeze."  Nope, we spent the day chatting, making jokes, and enjoying each others company. Do you understand what that day meant to me? It meant that he is still so in love that he would give up his most valuable assets, his time and money, to make me happy.

  What can you do today to prove your love for your spouse? Can you do the one chore that drives you nuts, all week? Can you smile through an entire game, concert, movie that you can't stand, to show them your love? Try it, and if they don't seem to notice, don't worry. They will eventually figure it out, and look forward to returning the favor.

  When we returned from Lake Erie, the next day I scheduled a tee time for Justin, as a thank you.

As you decide to sacrifice for your spouse this week, do it with a smile, and enjoy the rewards!

Find a Marriage Buddy

   If you want to get in shape, there are a million ways to do so: magical shakes, super pills, giant gyms, you name it. These are all great tools, but when you are tired from a long day, that DVD isn’t going to yell at you to get up and shake it. When that doughnut is gazing into your eyes, saying “one won’t hurt”, your super shake isn’t going to scream from the fridge “don’t do it! He’s a liar!” The way people are having success in losing weight, or getting in shape is by having an accountability partner or group. Someone to hold them to their goals, challenge them, and continue to cast the vision for them. Now, if you want to get in shape, and you call me up to ask me to be your accountability partner, I’m going to have to decline. Why? Because I had three desserts yesterday and these feet haven’t stepped into a gym in years. I would be a terrible example for you. But I can probably recommend someone that would help you along the way.

  This is the same in marriage. We cannot go through life expecting to have an incredible marriage that lasts a lifetime without having someone holding us accountable to being a great husband or wife. When we’re tempted to stray, that marriage book won’t keep you faithful to your spouse. One of the greatest decisions Justin and I made early in our marriage was to surround ourselves with couples that had what we wanted. When I had a question or hit a rough spot, I knew I could call on one of several women for advice and they wouldn’t judge me, or spread my gossip around town. Many times the advice wasn’t easy to hear, but it was true. I also gave them permission to speak into my life when they sensed something unhealthy in our marriage.

    There were also seasons in my life when I felt like I had nobody to turn to. Looking around at my association, I didn’t see anyone who had the type of relationship I wanted, so I kept to myself, and our relationship suffered because of it. It is so vital to have someone in your life that you can turn to BEFORE everything hits the fan. BEFORE you give your number to your coworker for a “platonic” lunch. BEFORE you get so far into your pornography addiction that it takes months of therapy to get you out.

    Here is the litmus test. Is there something that you are doing that you feel like you can’t tell your spouse? If that is the case, there needs to be someone you can call up and confess this to that will give you the advice you need.  Ideally, you confess it to your spouse, and work through it either together, or with the help of a marriage counselor. There is nothing shameful about getting marriage counseling. I know many solid couples who go in for marriage check-ups just to ensure that they are doing everything they can to keep their marriage solid, and get new ideas on how to keep it passionate. If you don’t feel like you can confess to your spouse, then you need to contact someone who has the type of marriage you want. Don’t call your best friend who is still playing the dating game. Don’t call Aunt Suzie who just ended marriage number fourteen. If you have to, call that person you barely know from church or small group, but who you know could help you, and ask if they are open to giving you some time. I highly doubt they will turn you down.

   Many times, the simple act of confession can help you stop doing what is unhealthy. When you’re having thoughts that you know are dangerous in marriage, get them out in the light.

  Some examples of times you may need to talk to an accountability partner are: you aren’t attracted to your spouse anymore, you have been getting excited about going to work simply because you will see that woman/man, you have been checking out some things online to “get you in the mood” or take care of what your spouse isn’t giving you, you have been having regular conversations with someone of the opposite sex and they aren’t so platonic anymore. These are just a few examples, but take the litmus test. What are you doing/thinking that you cannot tell your spouse? It will take courage to confess it, but your marriage is worth it, and can get through it. I’ve seen marriages work through incredible adversity and come out stronger than ever before on the other side. Be a man or woman of courage and fight for your marriage.

 

Challenge: Assess your association. Do you have someone in your life that has the type of marriage you want? Ask if they will be your marriage workout buddy. Someone to challenge you, encourage you, pick you up when your down, and help you reach the goal of having a lasting, passionate, affair-proof marriage. Then take the litmus test and be honest with yourself.

Extra Extra! My husband rocks!

    If you, like many, happen to be married to a human being, your spouse probably has some flaws. Whether it's his annoying habit of leaving his dirty clothes right beside the hamper, or her impressive ability to spend just BEYOND the grocery budget every week, your partner does things that make you cringe. You bite your tongue, trying not to start another fight, but what happens when you get to work, the salon, lunch with the girls? Do you let it all out? Do you go on and on about how frustrating it is to be married to them?

    It is natural to want to dump our marital stresses out on the closest victim outside of our marriage, but this is so dangerous! Why? You are painting the picture for yourself and others on a regular basis of what your marriage looks like. You are either reminding yourself of why you are married to them, or advertising their weaknesses and flaws, selling yourself and others on why you shouldn't have to deal with them. The truth is, your spouse has some great qualities, or you wouldn't have married them. Have you ever thought to brag on them in public rather than jump on the bandwagon of complaining about your marriage? With the divorce rate as high as it is, I would guess you don't want an average marriage. If that is the case, we need to do some things that average people don't do, and we need to STOP doing some things also.

   Whether you know it or not, the things you say about your spouse when they are not around really affect your marriage. Need proof? I recently went to the dentist. I had never been to this office, and honestly was not looking forward to it, but Justin had made the appointment, so I went. He had recently had a good experience there, and recommended I go. After being poked and prodded on, my sore mouth and I headed to the check out to see how much the torture would cost. The friendly woman at the desk said, "How is Justin doing?" Impressed with her memory, and said "Great, he thinks pretty highly of you guys." She then went on to tell me how she just thinks the world of my husband, and wishes he would teach HER husband a few things. Let me just say this is not the first time I have heard something like this, and from a generation ahead of us. When I got home, I asked what he says to get these women to think he is the best thing since sliced bread. You know what he said? "All I do is brag on you honey."

   Pretty powerful huh? You see it is rare to find someone bragging on their spouse. Everyone knows marriage is difficult. Nobody has the perfect marriage, or the perfect partner, but when you decide to focus on your spouses good qualities, the world notices there is something a little different about YOU. So let's make it a habit to spread the good news about our marriage. In the process, we will encourage others, strengthen our relationship, and remind ourselves why we're married. Then, when life hits, and we need encouragement, the people around you can remind you of your spouse's good qualities and empower you to stay the course. Who knows, maybe this one habit could prevent thousands of divorces, getting married couples everywhere through those tough times we all face. Give it a try; I look forward to hearing your stories!

Good Intentions

They say it's the thought that counts. Whoever made up that quote must not have been married. Right? When is the last time you told your spouse, "Honey I am so glad you thought about taking the trash out." Or "Aw you thought about getting me a card for our anniversary? That's too sweet."

So many of our great intentions never get accomplished. The result can be fatal to a marriage. When we allow the distractions of this fast paced world to deter us from taking vital action to improve our marriage, we are taking a risk. We usually don't know how vital those actions are until we neglect them long enough to experience the consequences.

Your spouse does not live in your head. They don't know how much you love them unless you prove it. They don't know you were thinking about them unless you tell them. All the great intentions in the world will not save a marriage. We have to act, and when we fail to act, we must communicate!

Sometimes the key to turning intentions into actions is letting your spouse know what your intentions are. If you're hoping to make the night romantic once the kids go down, let your spouse know! If you're planning a weekend getaway next month, let them know! This does two key things: holds you accountable to doing it, and gives them something to look forward to.

We underestimate the importance of those two things. We think we can rely on ourselves to turn intentions into actions, but too often they are forgotten. We think it is best to surprise them, but the anticipation of the event is sometimes even more exciting than the event itself!

On the flip side, when we don't communicate our intentions, we leave our spouse to guessing what is going on in our head, and the chances of those intentions becoming reality is slim. So say it!
"Honey I plan to take out the trash on the next commercial."

"Babe, I'm hoping we can get some talk time when we get home."

"Would you be willing to stay up a little later tonight with me? (wink wink)"

So this week and forever more, do less intending, more communicating, and more doing! (Take that as you wish :)

Make it great,

Mindy

Dance in the Rain

      As we talk about making our marriage fun, I am aware that for some, it is tough to think about having fun when you're going through tough times. You may be thinking, "How can I even think about having fun when we can't pay the bills? I need to be focused on getting out of this mess." Let me free you up a little. These are the times when we need to dance in the rain. Those trials and hardships aren't going to get any easier because we worry about them. In fact, they will seem more and more insurmountable as we focus on the problem. The people that get through tough times well are those that learn to find the silver lining, to dance in the rain, to smile in the face of adversity.

      When Justin and I were in the midst of our financial nightmare, we regularly found reasons to laugh about it. When our power was out because we couldn't pay the bill, we lit candles and enjoyed our third helping of Ramon noodles, THIS time with cheese! ;) When friends came to visit our not-so-keepin-up-with-the-Jones' house, we smiled as we called it our third-world mansion, knowing there are people in the world that would appreciate a roof over their head. When bill collectors hounded our phones, we had a contest to see which of us go the most calls in one day. Record was 22! BUT....it didn't last forever. We eventually worked our way out of the financial mess we put ourselves into, and God blessed us with a beauitful home, and cars that fit the family's needs.

      Looking back, we could have cried our way through it, fought our way through it, blamed each other for the trouble and made life miserable for those 2 years. If we hadn't learned to dance together in the rain, we may not be married today. Because we did, we will always look back on those times and laugh.

      Today, whatever life throws at us, we face it holding hands, united as a couple, and find a reason to laugh about it. Don't let life's worries get you down. Don't let negative people convince you that you need to worry.

"Who of you by worrying can add one hour to his life?" Luke 12:25

Whatever you're facing today, decide that it has stolen your joy for the last time. When the storm gets rough, the thunder is loud, and it's raining all around you, get out there and dance away the troubles!