Why You're So Important to Your Husband

"62 years of marriage, that's something to be proud of! What's your best piece of advice?"
"Remember, he has a heart, too."

    I'll never forget that conversation years ago between myself and this woman in her nineties, as she sat taking her dialysis treatment. It didn't sound like much at the time, but I took that thought home with me and allowed it to marinate. Then I thought about all the times I spoke harshly to Justin, without concern for his feelings, emotions, or HEART. I was angry, I was hurt, I was justified, and I wanted to see a reaction from him, so I would hit him wherever my words seemed to penetrate the most.

Many arguments escalated due to my careless words. Many times he would come home from a long day of work to a stressed-out mother of four, barking orders rather than offering hugs. So many days I spent thinking about my own heart, my own needs, my own feelings, without concern for his.

I decided that day to care for his heart as I wanted him to care for mine. 

Dear wife reading this, you have so much on your plate. You multitask like a boss. You carry the load of the home, work, children, school, laundry piles, temper tantrums, and broken hearts; but in all your busyness, you cannot afford to forget that above all that, you are the keeper of your husbands heart; and the condition of his heart is highly dependent on how you care for it. 

You have the incredible power to either soften his heart, or callous it. You have the power to create a loving, safe haven for him to come home to, or make the home a battlefield. You have the power to build him up, or tear him down with your words. Which are you doing?

The good news for those like me, is that every day is a new chance to be the best keeper of his heart you can. Maybe yesterday you yelled too much, or spent all your talk-time ranting about your job. Today you can spend time asking how his latest project is going. Maybe yesterday you tore him down the minute he walked through the door. Today you can welcome him with a smile. Maybe yesterday you thought only of yourself, and how much you deserve. Today you can think about how much he has done, and reward him for his hard work (wink wink).

You are so important. You are the keeper of his heart. Of all the women in the world, he chose to give it to you. How will you care for it?

Your Marriage Questions Answered!

During a recent service at Impact City Church, many couples turned in their questions on marriage. We were able to answer a few of them live during the service, but for the rest of you, we promised to answer right here in our blog. So here are your relation-TIPS:

Q: How do you continue to forgive over and over?
A: Great question. Jesus was also asked a similar question during his time on earth. In Matthew 18:21, Peter asked Jesus, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times."

Jesus went on to tell a parable, a story, that painted the picture of forgiveness. You can read that for yourself, and I would highly encourage you to! The truth is, forgiveness is not easy for anyone, but the one who can continually remember how much they have been forgiven of will find it a little less difficult.

When I have a tough time forgiving Justin, I have to stop and remember just how many times a day my Heavenly Father forgives me. How many times have I let him down? Countless. And will God ever give up on me? Never. So, therefore, I can't give up on my spouse, or anyone else for that matter.

How do you continually forgive? By focusing on how much you've been forgiven.

Q: As a husband, its hard to just listen to my wife and not solve her problems. Why are women this way?!?
A: I'm laughing and hurting with you buddy. Women are very different from men, and there are things about your spouse you will have to learn to love without understanding. Women release stress by talking. They connect by talking. They build relationships by talking. They simply want to talk, and they want YOU to talk back, but they don't need your advice every time! When a man is stressed, he works out, or eats, plays basketball, goes fishing, etc. He does something physical to release the stress. A woman doesn't work that way. She needs to get those thoughts that are cramped up in her brain OUT! Once they are out, she usually feels better, unless of course you have taken advantage of her vulnerability and told her how she needs to change, or what she needs to do, or how insignificant her problems are; at which point her stress levels rise, and she feels unloved and misunderstood. If you want to be your wife's hero, LISTEN TO HER, ask her questions, and use this powerful phrase as much as possible: "I understand". She needs to know you're on her side. She can take on the world with your support, but without it, she feels like the world is on her shoulders.

Q: How vital is talking the talk when walking the walk? Is saying "I love you" as important as displaying it?
A: Your spouse has a love language, and so do you. There are five different ways people show love. They are explained in depth in Gary Chapman's book, The Five Love Languages. I highly recommend every married couple read it. If your husband's love language is words, you can be "doing" all the actions in the world, but without words of affirmation, they aren't feeling loved. If your wife's love language is quality time, you can give her all the gifts in the world, and tell her you love her every day, but if you don't spend TIME with her, she feels empty. So, your homework is to identify your spouse's love language, and learn to speak it daily. Here are the five: Words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts, physical touch.
Here is a link to take the love languages test online, free: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

Q: How do you keep your marriage active when the two of you are completely different?
A: Thanks for bringing this one up! This is where many marriages suffer. They forget that they are meant to be different. God wired us all uniquely, and then made it natural for us to gravitate toward people who are opposite. When you and your spouse began dating, you probably LOVED how different they were. That's what attracted you about them. Then, somewhere along the line, those differences became annoying. We forget that, many times those things we don't like about our spouse, are by-products of the things we love about them. For instance, Justin is spontaneous. I loved that when we were dating, but after years of it, I realized that spontaneous people don't plan very well. I like to plan. This caused many arguments between us. I had to remember that his lack of planning is an area where I excel, and that's one reason God brought us two opposites together. I also had to realize that I would hate to be married to me, because the two of us would never have any spontaneous fun!

How do you make it work? Celebrate the good things that are different about each other. Tell her how much you love her creativity. Tell him how much you respect his passion to work. And, most importantly, learn to bend a little. Do the things your spouse likes to do, even if you don't. Go to the hockey game, wear the jersey, cheer like a maniac, and enjoy his favorite sport. Guys, take her to her favorite show, or romantic movie, and dress up for her, even if you hate wearing a tie. Show them they matter to you by doing the things that matter to them.

That's all the time I have for today, feel free to leave a comment, or question below or email me at mindy@impactcity.tv

To view the complete service from Impact City on marriage, visit: www.impactcity.tv
and click on "media". The latest message is titled, "Crazy Little Thing Called Love". Enjoy!

Have a blessed day you lovebird you!

What Submission is Not

 If you're a Christian woman, you've heard the scripture, "wives submit to your husbands". Soon after Justin and I got engaged, I began the process of learning what a good wife, a righteous wife, a submissive wife looked like; how she acted, how she reacted, and how she lived. I made it my goal to be a submissive wife, as an act of sacrifice to the Lord. And that is what I thought submission looked like, sacrifice.

I was under the impression that submission meant allowing my husband to make all the decisions, handle the finances, and pursue all his dreams while I sat back and watched, cheering him on. I was partially correct, but very off-base. I held back from doing things that I really enjoyed. I didn't pursue advancement in my nursing career, because after all, it's the wife's job to maintain the home. I didn't make many friends, because, I had him. He was the only friend I needed. My emotions were tied to his behaviors and decisions. After a few years of this, I was miserable. I had become like another child to him, someone to take care of. If I wasn't happy, it was his fault. If the bills weren't paid, it was his fault. If my life was missing anything, it was his fault, because I had placed him in control of it. If he was away from the home, I was sad and worried. In my attempt to be a submissive wife, I made myself miserable and gave him the blame. Instead of having a cheerful loving wife to come home to, he had a drained, emotional, clingy wife to take care of when he got home. If this sounds at all like your marriage, be encouraged! There is a better way to live!

Today, I can say with confidence that my happiness does not depend on what my husband does or does not do. He has also been changing for the better, in his own pursuit of becoming the man God called him to be, but my security doesn't hang in the balance of his decisions and presence. I love him and want him around, but I don't NEED him with me for me to be happy.

What changed? I realized submission in marriage does not mean that my only purpose in life is to be a wife. I have many purposes. I have gifts, skills, talents and abilities that are unique to me. I am the only ME God ever made, and I have a calling to fulfill. I began to write. I discovered that I love writing. I started a blog :) I made friends, and actually had coffee dates with them! I went to the spa, I scheduled time for myself. I expressed my dreams, desires and needs to him. I spent time with God, allowing him to speak into my life, to reveal the woman he had created me to be. And when His love was so full in me, I couldn't help but to pour it out on others. I became someone other women could turn to in times of need. I found purpose in life.

Nowadays, Justin doesn't have to take care of me. If something is missing in my life, I talk to God about it. Where there once was a lonely, emotional, wimpy woman, there is now a strong, friendly, fun-loving, purpose-filled woman. I love my life, I love my friends, I love my husband, and I'm sure I've made it a little easier for him to love me. I've become a joy to be around, not an anchor. His love, not his ball-and-chain. When we talk, we share stories about what God is doing in each of our lives, individually and as a couple. I run alongside him, not behind him.

I still have weak moments, as anyone does. And he has no problem being there for me. I also am strong enough to be there for him when he needs someone to encourage him. I still have things I would like to change about him and our marriage, and we will continue to improve it every year, but there is a joy and stability in my life that has made all the difference. I am still a submissive wife, supporting him in all his endeavors, but I also pursue my own. I am still dependent, but now I depend on God. God is my rock, Justin is my husband, my love, my friend.

Still having a hard time agreeing with me? Read up on the Proverbs 31 example of a noble wife.

Submission is not sacrificing all you've ever wanted. It is not being weak and keeping your mouth shut. It is not putting up with mistreatment, abuse, or neglect. It is simply being in support of your husbands mission; which does not revoke your right to have a mission as well!

The second part of the scripture speaks to the husbands; and that is for another blog post, another day :)

Have an awesome week, and as usual, send your stories, questions and comments to mindy@impactcity.tv or justin@impactcity.tv

The Question That Kills Marriages

I bet most couples, if they were really honest, would admit to pondering this question at some point in their relationship: Are we meant to be? Was he/she the ONE, or did I make a mistake?

Scripture tells us that we are not to be double-minded. Asking this question after pledging your faithfulness to your spouse allows for thoughts of doubt, and opportunities for confusion; thus leading many people and their marriages down a dangerous path. 

If you have wondered this recently about your marriage, let me reassure you. The marriage that lasts and lasts, that thrives for years without losing “that loving feeling” is not the one that’s simply "meant to be". They aren’t the lucky ones. It is the marriage consisting of two people that are determined to never stop trying. I’ve heard it said “the grass isn’t greener on the other side; it’s greener where you water it”. As cheesy and overused as that statement may be, it is the truth.

Unfortunately too many people buy into the lie that they weren’t “meant to be” and give up on the one they vowed to stay with for better or for worse.  I have to wonder how many marriages could have been saved if husband and wife would go back to doing the things they did to win each other over to begin with.

In the beginning, she dressed up to catch his eye, and he took her out on spontaneous dates. He would do little things to prove he had been thinking about her all day, and she would call just to say hello. There is no reason these habits have to stop once you say “I do”. But in most marriages they do, as the busyness of life takes its toll, children come into play, and the fireworks fade away. Now those little black dresses are sitting in the back of the closet, she calls to remind him he needs to pick up milk, and he spends his evenings watching the latest sitcom on tv.

Of course if you stop doing the things that won your spouse over, you’re going to notice a decrease in romance, intimacy, and overall positive feelings about each other and the relationship. Once romance starts to fade, you think you’ve stopped loving your spouse, and other options start to appear more attractive. Eventually one of the two will say they aren’t in love anymore, and that’s partially true, because love is not a feeling, it’s an action. Being in love is not out of your control. 

You can choose to be in love with your spouse again.

We need to be LOVING our spouse every day, in a way that communicates love to them. (If you haven’t read “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, buy a copy today. You won’t regret it. )

Bottom line: Before you entertain the thought “we aren’t meant to be”, take a shot at doing the things that created the sparks to begin with, and keep on trying even when it doesn’t appear to be changing anything. It probably took years of atrophy for your marriage to get to this point, it will take some good hard work to get it back to red-hot monogamy again. But it will be worth it.

Then, implement some new habits into your relationship that you may have never tried. Start something new together. Have a daily walk, activity, or talk time for just you two. No excuses. If you travel a lot, facetime each other. If you have kids, tell them mommy and daddy need alone time. Justin and I have four kids that want to be attached to us at all times, but they know mommy and daddy need talk time to keep the marriage strong, and keep us our best selves. So for about twenty minutes a day, our eyes are on each other.

The marriage you hoped for is a few good decisions away. It may not come natural, and it may get frustrating at times, but don’t give up. If you are on your second or third marriage, determine that this one will last forever.  

The success and happiness of your marriage is not up to "fate", it's up to you. Decide today to do what it takes to make it the exciting, passionate experience God created it to be!

*That being said, if you are in an abusive situation, this advice does not apply. 

For more on Making Marriage Fun, or how to subscribe to weekly marriage tips, contact us at info@impactcity.tv 

Princess Training: The How-To Reference Guide for Guys with High-Maintenance Wives

She takes time.
Do you feel like your wife demands all of your waking moments? Well fellas, that's not going to change.  Next to God, she is your top priority, and your top priorities will require your time. If you're not giving her the T.L.C. she desires, she will go hungry, like a plant without water. Make sure you are scheduling in plenty of talk time, date nights, and getaways. Mindy and I shoot for at least 20 minutes a day of just "talk time" between her and I, one date night each week, and one getaway every 3 months. This may seem like a lot, especially if you are parents with young kids. However, if you want to keep that beautiful flower healthy, you need to make sure you are giving her the water and nutrients she needs.

She is emotional.
You married a woman. She was created differently than you, especially in the realm of emotions. Be appreciative of this, because when you have kids she is going to be the one responsible for ensuring they are emotionally stable by showing empathy when in your moments of being callous and aloof.

She expects a prince charming.
Many guys use the excuse, "I'm not the romantic type." Truth is, you had to have done some romantic and thoughtful things while you dated that attracted her to you. Otherwise, you'd still be single, right? Are you still putting forth the same effort as before? If not, she has been a victim of false advertisement. She thought the person she married would be the same person she was dating, so man up and write that chick a love letter, open the door, take her on a spontaneous date. Then maybe you will start peeling back the walls that a romance-less marriage puts up. Every woman needs to feel loved and to be treated like a princess. Reality is that every woman desires it and gravitates towards it. If you're not meeting the requirements, some other guy out there just might try to replace you.

She wants stuff.
So your wife is materialistic? Join the club. Women were created by God to enjoy beautiful things. When they see something sparkly, it immediately draws their attention. That's why all the advertisements for women products are covered with pink and purple sparkles. Just check out the deoderant aisle, you'll see what I mean. Women feel beautiful when they have beautiful things. Make a routine of buying her something pretty about once a month, even if its just one simple rose. She will light up with smiles.

So your wife is high maintenance; that's okay. Be happy that she hasn't let go of the hope that you are still her prince charming. Don't let another day go by without her feeling like your princess.

Bringing Out the Hero in Him

   I was jamming to one of my favorite old country songs, “Stand By Your Man”, singing my heart out in the car. Then came the verse “after all, he’s just a man” and I thought, I would never say that about my husband. JUST a man? This is the problem many women have when talking about their husbands. They share stories and make comments that make their husband sound more like a child or an unruly dog than the man that stole their heart.

   Truth is, the way we talk about our spouse, whether they are present or not, makes a big difference on how they act, and how they see themselves in our presence. If you talk to your husband like he is a child, he will act like a child. If you talk about him like he is a nuisance when you’re with your girlfriends, he may not hear it, but he will feel your lack of respect.

       Many husbands these days are struggling with passivity, and it is not because that’s the way they want to be. Maybe he has tried to be your hero, and you put him down. Maybe he tried to be romantic, and you weren’t in the mood. Maybe he tried to make you smile, and you rolled your eyes. Maybe he tried to wash the dishes, and he didn’t do it right. A man will only put out that kind of effort for so long without finding himself frustrated and unmotivated.

      Many marriages get to the brink of divorce because of a lack of respect. The man undervaluing their wife, or the woman trying to emasculate their husband. You didn’t marry a woman, and you don’t want him to act like one, so stop trying to make your husband be like you. He may not have the multitasking abilities you do, but there are skills he brings to the table that you cannot.

       Think back to the beginning when you loved all the things that made him different from you. You laughed at his jokes, rejoiced in his victories, and lost yourself in his eyes. Don’t let the pressures of life take that from you two. Don’t let the business of your day keep you from stopping to stare into each others’ eyes for more than a moment. When he makes an attempt, whether it is the way you would do it or not, appreciate it and let him know you do. Make an effort to tell him what you respect and admire about him more often. And as always, pray for him daily. Then watch, as the man of your dreams rises to the occasion, trying harder every day to make you happy.

   Sadly, many men are finding the respect they long for outside of their marriage; praise from the boss, compliments from the secretary, at-a-boys from the guys. I am not saying this is by any means reason for them to act immorally, I am saying one way we can strive to affair-proof our marriage is to resist the temptation to disrespect our spouses; whether they are present or not. 

     There are some circumstances in which a woman must choose to value and protect herself by leaving an abusive, cheating or violent man. If you find yourself in an abusive situation, your next step is to talk with a pastor or counselor and look into aborting mission.

    I am still a wife in progress, but I have seen the difference between the seasons when I was more respectful, and when I allowed my stresses and frustrations to drain the respect for my husband right out of me. There is so much to be said on this topic, more than a simple blog, but if we can start with respect, merited or not, we will start to see our hero, our noble prince, find his strength and energy to defeat dragons for us once again.

   Now I understand after all this, you're thinking about all the ways he could bring out the best, or better princess in you. Stay tuned....I just may have Justin write up a few words for the men out there ;)

To-Do: Enjoy my life!

      Anyone out there have trouble balancing pleasure and productivity? It is a challenge that many people don’t realize they are failing in. Those of you like me are so focused on being productive, that you have to remind yourself to stop and smell the roses. Our super fast-paced life tells us we need to accomplish everything TODAY or the productivity police will come arrest us. If there is anything left on our to-do list at the end of the day, we’ve failed. The trouble is, for most of us, there will always be more to do than we can accomplish in one day. The minute we settle in for relaxation, we see the mess on the floor, we remember that the light bulbs in the bathroom need changed, or that we promised to call Aunt Suzie.

     Let me allow you a glimpse into Mindyland for a moment, I think you will relate to the busyness. I have four small children, work as a nurse, maintain the house, homeschool my son, and run a ministry. There is ALWAYS something to be done, and an area I am behind in. After attempting the impossible for a few years, I realized that striving for productivity can steal your joy, and make you a very difficult person to live with! I was so focused on my to-do list that I didn’t have time for Justin to stop and hug me on his way in from work. There was hamburger that needed stirred. I didn’t have time to sit and chat after dinner, there were dirty dishes all over the kitchen. Are you getting the picture? If this is you, I plead you to slow down long enough to read the rest of this post! I found myself so miserable, waiting for someone to come take something off my plate so that I could be happy. Here’s the harsh truth, regardless of your situation: if you are waiting for someone to do something in order for you to be happy, you’re going to be waiting your entire life. There will always be something that steals your joy if you don’t take control of it yourself. 

    What was I waiting for? I was waiting for Justin to read my mind, know what I need help with, and then whisk me away on a romantic date. Trouble is, he is not a mind reader! Hence the need for communication. After a few long conversations, and a few heated arguments, we came to the conclusion that I needed to slow down bit, be willing to put down my to-do list, and schedule some enjoyment in my life! So what did I do?

   

   Well today, when I notice myself getting down, frustrated easily, and in a “funk” as I call it, I schedule some pleasure into my life. I’ll plan a date night with Justin, and being the creative one in the marriage, I even plan the activities that will make fun memories, and cultivate the romance! If the funds are low, you can plan a fun night at home once the kids go to bed. I schedule coffee time with friends on a regular basis to get my “girl time” and do that healthy venting that us ladies need to do. And I plan time to be alone, whether it is early morning in my kitchen, an afternoon nap, or an evening at the spa, I make sure I get the necessary quiet time. 

   Mindy, you say, my husband is the productive one. He never takes me on dates, and can’t take his mind off his work. My response is, don’t give him a choice! That man is your husband and he belongs to you. You are just as responsible for the happiness of the marriage as he is. Ask him which night works best for his schedule, then plan a night of fun, memory making, and hitting the sheets, like every good marriage needs! I promise he won’t regret getting a little behind on work :)

  I firmly believe that God wants you to have breaks. He wants you to enjoy your life. The God who created the heavens and earth rested on the seventh day. Jesus spent time alone, praying and resting from the crowds that followed him. What makes you think you can get through life without ample rest? If you’re still hesitant, do it for a week, and trust God to help you with all those things you feel behind on. When we live our lives based on his ways, and his example, it blesses God and allows him to make up for our lack. If you are stubborn enough to keep trekking on in your own strength and agenda, don’t expect God to interrupt you, but do expect that at some point you will reach a breaking point, and he will be there to get you back on track. 

  Have a blessed, joyful week!