What Submission is Not

 If you're a Christian woman, you've heard the scripture, "wives submit to your husbands". Soon after Justin and I got engaged, I began the process of learning what a good wife, a righteous wife, a submissive wife looked like; how she acted, how she reacted, and how she lived. I made it my goal to be a submissive wife, as an act of sacrifice to the Lord. And that is what I thought submission looked like, sacrifice.

I was under the impression that submission meant allowing my husband to make all the decisions, handle the finances, and pursue all his dreams while I sat back and watched, cheering him on. I was partially correct, but very off-base. I held back from doing things that I really enjoyed. I didn't pursue advancement in my nursing career, because after all, it's the wife's job to maintain the home. I didn't make many friends, because, I had him. He was the only friend I needed. My emotions were tied to his behaviors and decisions. After a few years of this, I was miserable. I had become like another child to him, someone to take care of. If I wasn't happy, it was his fault. If the bills weren't paid, it was his fault. If my life was missing anything, it was his fault, because I had placed him in control of it. If he was away from the home, I was sad and worried. In my attempt to be a submissive wife, I made myself miserable and gave him the blame. Instead of having a cheerful loving wife to come home to, he had a drained, emotional, clingy wife to take care of when he got home. If this sounds at all like your marriage, be encouraged! There is a better way to live!

Today, I can say with confidence that my happiness does not depend on what my husband does or does not do. He has also been changing for the better, in his own pursuit of becoming the man God called him to be, but my security doesn't hang in the balance of his decisions and presence. I love him and want him around, but I don't NEED him with me for me to be happy.

What changed? I realized submission in marriage does not mean that my only purpose in life is to be a wife. I have many purposes. I have gifts, skills, talents and abilities that are unique to me. I am the only ME God ever made, and I have a calling to fulfill. I began to write. I discovered that I love writing. I started a blog :) I made friends, and actually had coffee dates with them! I went to the spa, I scheduled time for myself. I expressed my dreams, desires and needs to him. I spent time with God, allowing him to speak into my life, to reveal the woman he had created me to be. And when His love was so full in me, I couldn't help but to pour it out on others. I became someone other women could turn to in times of need. I found purpose in life.

Nowadays, Justin doesn't have to take care of me. If something is missing in my life, I talk to God about it. Where there once was a lonely, emotional, wimpy woman, there is now a strong, friendly, fun-loving, purpose-filled woman. I love my life, I love my friends, I love my husband, and I'm sure I've made it a little easier for him to love me. I've become a joy to be around, not an anchor. His love, not his ball-and-chain. When we talk, we share stories about what God is doing in each of our lives, individually and as a couple. I run alongside him, not behind him.

I still have weak moments, as anyone does. And he has no problem being there for me. I also am strong enough to be there for him when he needs someone to encourage him. I still have things I would like to change about him and our marriage, and we will continue to improve it every year, but there is a joy and stability in my life that has made all the difference. I am still a submissive wife, supporting him in all his endeavors, but I also pursue my own. I am still dependent, but now I depend on God. God is my rock, Justin is my husband, my love, my friend.

Still having a hard time agreeing with me? Read up on the Proverbs 31 example of a noble wife.

Submission is not sacrificing all you've ever wanted. It is not being weak and keeping your mouth shut. It is not putting up with mistreatment, abuse, or neglect. It is simply being in support of your husbands mission; which does not revoke your right to have a mission as well!

The second part of the scripture speaks to the husbands; and that is for another blog post, another day :)

Have an awesome week, and as usual, send your stories, questions and comments to mindy@impactcity.tv or justin@impactcity.tv

The Question That Kills Marriages

I bet most couples, if they were really honest, would admit to pondering this question at some point in their relationship: Are we meant to be? Was he/she the ONE, or did I make a mistake?

Scripture tells us that we are not to be double-minded. Asking this question after pledging your faithfulness to your spouse allows for thoughts of doubt, and opportunities for confusion; thus leading many people and their marriages down a dangerous path. 

If you have wondered this recently about your marriage, let me reassure you. The marriage that lasts and lasts, that thrives for years without losing “that loving feeling” is not the one that’s simply "meant to be". They aren’t the lucky ones. It is the marriage consisting of two people that are determined to never stop trying. I’ve heard it said “the grass isn’t greener on the other side; it’s greener where you water it”. As cheesy and overused as that statement may be, it is the truth.

Unfortunately too many people buy into the lie that they weren’t “meant to be” and give up on the one they vowed to stay with for better or for worse.  I have to wonder how many marriages could have been saved if husband and wife would go back to doing the things they did to win each other over to begin with.

In the beginning, she dressed up to catch his eye, and he took her out on spontaneous dates. He would do little things to prove he had been thinking about her all day, and she would call just to say hello. There is no reason these habits have to stop once you say “I do”. But in most marriages they do, as the busyness of life takes its toll, children come into play, and the fireworks fade away. Now those little black dresses are sitting in the back of the closet, she calls to remind him he needs to pick up milk, and he spends his evenings watching the latest sitcom on tv.

Of course if you stop doing the things that won your spouse over, you’re going to notice a decrease in romance, intimacy, and overall positive feelings about each other and the relationship. Once romance starts to fade, you think you’ve stopped loving your spouse, and other options start to appear more attractive. Eventually one of the two will say they aren’t in love anymore, and that’s partially true, because love is not a feeling, it’s an action. Being in love is not out of your control. 

You can choose to be in love with your spouse again.

We need to be LOVING our spouse every day, in a way that communicates love to them. (If you haven’t read “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, buy a copy today. You won’t regret it. )

Bottom line: Before you entertain the thought “we aren’t meant to be”, take a shot at doing the things that created the sparks to begin with, and keep on trying even when it doesn’t appear to be changing anything. It probably took years of atrophy for your marriage to get to this point, it will take some good hard work to get it back to red-hot monogamy again. But it will be worth it.

Then, implement some new habits into your relationship that you may have never tried. Start something new together. Have a daily walk, activity, or talk time for just you two. No excuses. If you travel a lot, facetime each other. If you have kids, tell them mommy and daddy need alone time. Justin and I have four kids that want to be attached to us at all times, but they know mommy and daddy need talk time to keep the marriage strong, and keep us our best selves. So for about twenty minutes a day, our eyes are on each other.

The marriage you hoped for is a few good decisions away. It may not come natural, and it may get frustrating at times, but don’t give up. If you are on your second or third marriage, determine that this one will last forever.  

The success and happiness of your marriage is not up to "fate", it's up to you. Decide today to do what it takes to make it the exciting, passionate experience God created it to be!

*That being said, if you are in an abusive situation, this advice does not apply. 

For more on Making Marriage Fun, or how to subscribe to weekly marriage tips, contact us at info@impactcity.tv 

Princess Training: The How-To Reference Guide for Guys with High-Maintenance Wives

She takes time.
Do you feel like your wife demands all of your waking moments? Well fellas, that's not going to change.  Next to God, she is your top priority, and your top priorities will require your time. If you're not giving her the T.L.C. she desires, she will go hungry, like a plant without water. Make sure you are scheduling in plenty of talk time, date nights, and getaways. Mindy and I shoot for at least 20 minutes a day of just "talk time" between her and I, one date night each week, and one getaway every 3 months. This may seem like a lot, especially if you are parents with young kids. However, if you want to keep that beautiful flower healthy, you need to make sure you are giving her the water and nutrients she needs.

She is emotional.
You married a woman. She was created differently than you, especially in the realm of emotions. Be appreciative of this, because when you have kids she is going to be the one responsible for ensuring they are emotionally stable by showing empathy when in your moments of being callous and aloof.

She expects a prince charming.
Many guys use the excuse, "I'm not the romantic type." Truth is, you had to have done some romantic and thoughtful things while you dated that attracted her to you. Otherwise, you'd still be single, right? Are you still putting forth the same effort as before? If not, she has been a victim of false advertisement. She thought the person she married would be the same person she was dating, so man up and write that chick a love letter, open the door, take her on a spontaneous date. Then maybe you will start peeling back the walls that a romance-less marriage puts up. Every woman needs to feel loved and to be treated like a princess. Reality is that every woman desires it and gravitates towards it. If you're not meeting the requirements, some other guy out there just might try to replace you.

She wants stuff.
So your wife is materialistic? Join the club. Women were created by God to enjoy beautiful things. When they see something sparkly, it immediately draws their attention. That's why all the advertisements for women products are covered with pink and purple sparkles. Just check out the deoderant aisle, you'll see what I mean. Women feel beautiful when they have beautiful things. Make a routine of buying her something pretty about once a month, even if its just one simple rose. She will light up with smiles.

So your wife is high maintenance; that's okay. Be happy that she hasn't let go of the hope that you are still her prince charming. Don't let another day go by without her feeling like your princess.