Your Many Hats

   
     Do you and your spouse have a certain disagreement that continues to resurface, regardless of how many times you discuss it? You hash out your differences, seem to make some progress, then find yourselves in the same argument several days or weeks later. Justin and I recently discovered a root cause for one of these tension triggers in our home.

   For a while it seemed as if every time Justin came home from work, and I had been with the kids all day, I treated him with disrespect. He continually asked me to speak kinder, but for some reason I was having trouble. One day I sat on the deck analyzing my stubbornness. It was somewhat of a revelation day for me. I realized that all day I wore the "mom" hat, the "referee" hat and the "housekeeper" hat. I was large and in charge from morning until about six o' clock when the man of the house arrived. The only problem was, I didn't know how to remove these hats around my husband. So I treated him like one of the kids. "Put your shoes where they belong." "Don't eat before dinner is ready." "Clean up your mess." I can assure you that a grown male can only handle so much of that. I had left my "loving wife" hat somewhere in the pile of last week's laundry and didn't have time to go find it. There was work to be done, children to bath, laundry to fold and a house to clean; no time for lovey dovey husband and wife stuff.

   We all wear many hats. What hats have you been wearing around your spouse lately? The solution to keeping your marriage just that, a marriage, is to ensure we keep that "loving wife" or "loving husband" hat close by and make time to change into it before greeting each other. How can we do this? It's easier than you might think. See, the reason Justin was walking in the house ready to love his wife was because he had created the discipline of changing hats halfway through his commute home. He has a job that could easily keep him thinking hours after he clocks out, but he made the decision a while back to spend the first half of his drive home thinking about work, and the last half thinking about family, preparing to wear his "family guy" hat once he walked through the door. As soon as he caught a glimpse of those four little ones running down the hallway, he was daddy; the project manager hat was somewhere on Broad Street, and it would stay there until the next morning.

    We can all discipline ourselves to do the same thing. What does that look like for the rest of us? For me that means getting some time alone to de-stress and pray before he walks through the door. It also means weekly date nights and quarterly getaways, just the two of us. I cannot stress enough how important it is for a married couple, especially with kids, to see each other on a regular basis as simply "lovers". To leave all the rest of our hats at home, and simply enjoy each others' company.

   Imagine how many divorces can be prevented if every married couple made a habit of wearing their "loving spouse" hat every day. The divorce rate is highest right now among couples married for 20+ years. The cause is believed to be "empty nesting". For so many years, all they have known to be is mom and dad, and now that the kids are grown and out of the house, they don't remember how to be husband and wife. It doesn't have to be this way. Make time for your spouse today, schedule a date night, and plan a weekend getaway, just the two of you. Don't feel guilty. Your kids need you to be the example of loving marriage.

   If this has been helpful, I would love to hear from you! Shoot me an email today and let me know how you and your spouse make time to wear your "loving spouse" hats.

Gone Fishin'

    Marriage is about sacrifice. So many of us say our vows without really understanding the weight of those words. In sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer. Then years pass, and your beautiful bride asks if you will request off work to take her to her favorite concert. Or maybe your stunning groom asks if he can spend your savings on that new grill. I'm sure the first thing you think about in that moment is your wedding vow, right? Most likely your first thought is, "what have you done for me lately?".

   Sacrifice. It's a big word, and nobody likes being told they must do it. The truth is, it is a sure-fire way to prove to your spouse that you love them. When we are willing to set aside our selfish desires to put a smile on their face, they are reassured that they are important to us. That is vital to a relationship.

   Justin recently took me on a fishing expedition at Lake Erie. Let me just say that this is the last thing he would choose to spend his day and money on. He probably had a dozen other activities he could think of that would be more fun to him, and more worth the money, in HIS eyes. But he wasn't out to please himself. I love to fish, and he was out to prove his love to me. We spent the entire day out on the windy waters of Lake Erie, and did not catch a single fish. He didn't complain once. He had every opportunity to say "I knew this would be a waste" or "I can't believe I spent all that money, and got a sitter, just to come out here and freeze."  Nope, we spent the day chatting, making jokes, and enjoying each others company. Do you understand what that day meant to me? It meant that he is still so in love that he would give up his most valuable assets, his time and money, to make me happy.

  What can you do today to prove your love for your spouse? Can you do the one chore that drives you nuts, all week? Can you smile through an entire game, concert, movie that you can't stand, to show them your love? Try it, and if they don't seem to notice, don't worry. They will eventually figure it out, and look forward to returning the favor.

  When we returned from Lake Erie, the next day I scheduled a tee time for Justin, as a thank you.

As you decide to sacrifice for your spouse this week, do it with a smile, and enjoy the rewards!