Find a Marriage Buddy

   If you want to get in shape, there are a million ways to do so: magical shakes, super pills, giant gyms, you name it. These are all great tools, but when you are tired from a long day, that DVD isn’t going to yell at you to get up and shake it. When that doughnut is gazing into your eyes, saying “one won’t hurt”, your super shake isn’t going to scream from the fridge “don’t do it! He’s a liar!” The way people are having success in losing weight, or getting in shape is by having an accountability partner or group. Someone to hold them to their goals, challenge them, and continue to cast the vision for them. Now, if you want to get in shape, and you call me up to ask me to be your accountability partner, I’m going to have to decline. Why? Because I had three desserts yesterday and these feet haven’t stepped into a gym in years. I would be a terrible example for you. But I can probably recommend someone that would help you along the way.

  This is the same in marriage. We cannot go through life expecting to have an incredible marriage that lasts a lifetime without having someone holding us accountable to being a great husband or wife. When we’re tempted to stray, that marriage book won’t keep you faithful to your spouse. One of the greatest decisions Justin and I made early in our marriage was to surround ourselves with couples that had what we wanted. When I had a question or hit a rough spot, I knew I could call on one of several women for advice and they wouldn’t judge me, or spread my gossip around town. Many times the advice wasn’t easy to hear, but it was true. I also gave them permission to speak into my life when they sensed something unhealthy in our marriage.

    There were also seasons in my life when I felt like I had nobody to turn to. Looking around at my association, I didn’t see anyone who had the type of relationship I wanted, so I kept to myself, and our relationship suffered because of it. It is so vital to have someone in your life that you can turn to BEFORE everything hits the fan. BEFORE you give your number to your coworker for a “platonic” lunch. BEFORE you get so far into your pornography addiction that it takes months of therapy to get you out.

    Here is the litmus test. Is there something that you are doing that you feel like you can’t tell your spouse? If that is the case, there needs to be someone you can call up and confess this to that will give you the advice you need.  Ideally, you confess it to your spouse, and work through it either together, or with the help of a marriage counselor. There is nothing shameful about getting marriage counseling. I know many solid couples who go in for marriage check-ups just to ensure that they are doing everything they can to keep their marriage solid, and get new ideas on how to keep it passionate. If you don’t feel like you can confess to your spouse, then you need to contact someone who has the type of marriage you want. Don’t call your best friend who is still playing the dating game. Don’t call Aunt Suzie who just ended marriage number fourteen. If you have to, call that person you barely know from church or small group, but who you know could help you, and ask if they are open to giving you some time. I highly doubt they will turn you down.

   Many times, the simple act of confession can help you stop doing what is unhealthy. When you’re having thoughts that you know are dangerous in marriage, get them out in the light.

  Some examples of times you may need to talk to an accountability partner are: you aren’t attracted to your spouse anymore, you have been getting excited about going to work simply because you will see that woman/man, you have been checking out some things online to “get you in the mood” or take care of what your spouse isn’t giving you, you have been having regular conversations with someone of the opposite sex and they aren’t so platonic anymore. These are just a few examples, but take the litmus test. What are you doing/thinking that you cannot tell your spouse? It will take courage to confess it, but your marriage is worth it, and can get through it. I’ve seen marriages work through incredible adversity and come out stronger than ever before on the other side. Be a man or woman of courage and fight for your marriage.

 

Challenge: Assess your association. Do you have someone in your life that has the type of marriage you want? Ask if they will be your marriage workout buddy. Someone to challenge you, encourage you, pick you up when your down, and help you reach the goal of having a lasting, passionate, affair-proof marriage. Then take the litmus test and be honest with yourself.

Extra Extra! My husband rocks!

    If you, like many, happen to be married to a human being, your spouse probably has some flaws. Whether it's his annoying habit of leaving his dirty clothes right beside the hamper, or her impressive ability to spend just BEYOND the grocery budget every week, your partner does things that make you cringe. You bite your tongue, trying not to start another fight, but what happens when you get to work, the salon, lunch with the girls? Do you let it all out? Do you go on and on about how frustrating it is to be married to them?

    It is natural to want to dump our marital stresses out on the closest victim outside of our marriage, but this is so dangerous! Why? You are painting the picture for yourself and others on a regular basis of what your marriage looks like. You are either reminding yourself of why you are married to them, or advertising their weaknesses and flaws, selling yourself and others on why you shouldn't have to deal with them. The truth is, your spouse has some great qualities, or you wouldn't have married them. Have you ever thought to brag on them in public rather than jump on the bandwagon of complaining about your marriage? With the divorce rate as high as it is, I would guess you don't want an average marriage. If that is the case, we need to do some things that average people don't do, and we need to STOP doing some things also.

   Whether you know it or not, the things you say about your spouse when they are not around really affect your marriage. Need proof? I recently went to the dentist. I had never been to this office, and honestly was not looking forward to it, but Justin had made the appointment, so I went. He had recently had a good experience there, and recommended I go. After being poked and prodded on, my sore mouth and I headed to the check out to see how much the torture would cost. The friendly woman at the desk said, "How is Justin doing?" Impressed with her memory, and said "Great, he thinks pretty highly of you guys." She then went on to tell me how she just thinks the world of my husband, and wishes he would teach HER husband a few things. Let me just say this is not the first time I have heard something like this, and from a generation ahead of us. When I got home, I asked what he says to get these women to think he is the best thing since sliced bread. You know what he said? "All I do is brag on you honey."

   Pretty powerful huh? You see it is rare to find someone bragging on their spouse. Everyone knows marriage is difficult. Nobody has the perfect marriage, or the perfect partner, but when you decide to focus on your spouses good qualities, the world notices there is something a little different about YOU. So let's make it a habit to spread the good news about our marriage. In the process, we will encourage others, strengthen our relationship, and remind ourselves why we're married. Then, when life hits, and we need encouragement, the people around you can remind you of your spouse's good qualities and empower you to stay the course. Who knows, maybe this one habit could prevent thousands of divorces, getting married couples everywhere through those tough times we all face. Give it a try; I look forward to hearing your stories!

Good Intentions

They say it's the thought that counts. Whoever made up that quote must not have been married. Right? When is the last time you told your spouse, "Honey I am so glad you thought about taking the trash out." Or "Aw you thought about getting me a card for our anniversary? That's too sweet."

So many of our great intentions never get accomplished. The result can be fatal to a marriage. When we allow the distractions of this fast paced world to deter us from taking vital action to improve our marriage, we are taking a risk. We usually don't know how vital those actions are until we neglect them long enough to experience the consequences.

Your spouse does not live in your head. They don't know how much you love them unless you prove it. They don't know you were thinking about them unless you tell them. All the great intentions in the world will not save a marriage. We have to act, and when we fail to act, we must communicate!

Sometimes the key to turning intentions into actions is letting your spouse know what your intentions are. If you're hoping to make the night romantic once the kids go down, let your spouse know! If you're planning a weekend getaway next month, let them know! This does two key things: holds you accountable to doing it, and gives them something to look forward to.

We underestimate the importance of those two things. We think we can rely on ourselves to turn intentions into actions, but too often they are forgotten. We think it is best to surprise them, but the anticipation of the event is sometimes even more exciting than the event itself!

On the flip side, when we don't communicate our intentions, we leave our spouse to guessing what is going on in our head, and the chances of those intentions becoming reality is slim. So say it!
"Honey I plan to take out the trash on the next commercial."

"Babe, I'm hoping we can get some talk time when we get home."

"Would you be willing to stay up a little later tonight with me? (wink wink)"

So this week and forever more, do less intending, more communicating, and more doing! (Take that as you wish :)

Make it great,

Mindy

Dance in the Rain

      As we talk about making our marriage fun, I am aware that for some, it is tough to think about having fun when you're going through tough times. You may be thinking, "How can I even think about having fun when we can't pay the bills? I need to be focused on getting out of this mess." Let me free you up a little. These are the times when we need to dance in the rain. Those trials and hardships aren't going to get any easier because we worry about them. In fact, they will seem more and more insurmountable as we focus on the problem. The people that get through tough times well are those that learn to find the silver lining, to dance in the rain, to smile in the face of adversity.

      When Justin and I were in the midst of our financial nightmare, we regularly found reasons to laugh about it. When our power was out because we couldn't pay the bill, we lit candles and enjoyed our third helping of Ramon noodles, THIS time with cheese! ;) When friends came to visit our not-so-keepin-up-with-the-Jones' house, we smiled as we called it our third-world mansion, knowing there are people in the world that would appreciate a roof over their head. When bill collectors hounded our phones, we had a contest to see which of us go the most calls in one day. Record was 22! BUT....it didn't last forever. We eventually worked our way out of the financial mess we put ourselves into, and God blessed us with a beauitful home, and cars that fit the family's needs.

      Looking back, we could have cried our way through it, fought our way through it, blamed each other for the trouble and made life miserable for those 2 years. If we hadn't learned to dance together in the rain, we may not be married today. Because we did, we will always look back on those times and laugh.

      Today, whatever life throws at us, we face it holding hands, united as a couple, and find a reason to laugh about it. Don't let life's worries get you down. Don't let negative people convince you that you need to worry.

"Who of you by worrying can add one hour to his life?" Luke 12:25

Whatever you're facing today, decide that it has stolen your joy for the last time. When the storm gets rough, the thunder is loud, and it's raining all around you, get out there and dance away the troubles!